Update:
Car is running, and the timing was fine, or at least, it started. Time will tell if it decides to throw any codes. Turns out the problem was with the aftermarket crank pulley for the serpentine belt that I put on. Mechanic called back after I gave the go ahead to pull the covers and check timing, and asked if I had put the aftermarket pulley on, that it was really tight, rubbing on the cover, and making the engine hard to turn over. So I brought the old stock crank pulley up to him, and he put it on while I was standing there. I had thought the car was cranking slower than it should, so on a hunch I just said, let's just put the old pulley on, valve cover, plugs, and crank it. Voila, fired up on the second try. My theory is that the extra drag from the aftermarket pulley was causing the engine to crank just slow enough to either keep it from firing and/or not allowing it to build sufficient oil pressure in either the VCT gear and/or in the engine itself, causing the ECM to cut spark after a few crank rotations. Any other theories? We literally only changed the accessory drive pulley on the crank, and it started.